New Year = New Me

It's been roughly 67 days since my divorce was final and here I am . . . 29 years old, divorced, sleepy, stifled, excited, dreamy, and pensive all at the same time on January 2nd of 2012. If I hear one more person tell me "Maybe you should try a Divorce Recovery group" I may as well camp it out in the 'Divorce Self Help' section of Barnes and Noble with a sign around my neck that says: Trying to Re-Enter Society, Please Let Me Know When There Is An Opening. (I'm not even sure a section like this exists.) Peter, Paul, and Mary bless them all. They really want to help and I appreciate it, I do. The thing is I'm not sure there really is any formula to recovering from divorce. What do those two words mean, anyway? It suggests I've had a terrible illness or threatening injury and I need time and space to rejuvenate and heal and get back to myself. So, I have de-selfed then, have I? Yes, perhaps, I have. My therapist often uses that term in our sessions together. It's like the new buzz word since "mindful." Awwww, mindfulness. Please be mindful. I am mindful. While being mindful, ommmmmmmmmm (deep breathing)...and now DE-SELF! I love it!

Well, I did de-self. I literally lost myself. It was like my *self* went to the 'Lost and Found for Selves' and just waited, and waited, and waited there for oh, let's say roughly three years. Waited. Did I mention waited? And then, upon, reunification of "my" and "self" there were fireworks, and a long embrace, and the marching band from The Music Man playing the theme song from the movie The Mission, and cartoon Snow White butterflies prancing around, and a sunset bursting through waterfalls, I "re-selfed." Hah! I think I may be taking this a bit too far. I know I have. But, in the essence of starting something new, i.e., this blog, I'll just wait and see what happens. "Wait and see!" My mother, in her infinite wisdom, used to say that to me growing up which is mildly ironic because she was the biggest planner and anticipator of the future if I ever knew one. Her mantra of 'wait and see' was a bit contradictory, if you ask me.

I call this "Your Divorced Friend . . .' because I imagine what my girlfriends' conversations have sounded like over the past few months when they talk to their other friends or family. 'Oh, you know, my divorced friend, well ___________________. 'Oh, yeah, she's getting a divorce.' Someone told me a few months ago that once I announced to my pool of friends that I would be getting a divorce I would begin to see the strength of those friendships be tested. What I mean by that is that when I, the divorced friend, puts it out there that I am getting the big "D," others begin to look inward at their own relationships and partnerships. I also call this "Your Divorced Friend" because I now have a new box to check on the 'new patient information' form at the doctor's office. Wow, I mean, wow. Who would have thought that I would have gained another qualifier? There are no bells and whistles on the other side of the form, let me tell ya! Instead, I get remarks from strangers like "Oh, I'm so sorry." or "Oh, were there any children?" Funny how strangers want to infuse their own meaning and interpretation of my divorce, real funny.

So, as I embark on this new year, in an effort to be mindful (and not contradictory), as well as re-selfed, I'm going to just "wait and see." This is my journey to, perhaps, capture my re-selfed self over the next 365 days because I don't want to lose it...ever...again.